"Do you believe this?" the man in front of me at the coffee shop said to me as he shook his newspaper. "The media today is run by communists. Flat-out communists. And they are all getting paid off by the Democratic National Committee."

Whoa! As a member of the media, I couldn't help but get upset by that. I mean, I'm getting my payoffs from the Green Party. I'll bet the DNC hands out considerably more cash -- how do I get in on that action?

But honestly, we were in line -- I just wanted a muffin -- and out of the blue he started in with an inflammatory line of conversation.

When did it become OK to act like a crazy radio talk show caller? What happened to talking about neutral topics?

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I've noticed lately that far too many people have lost the art of simple and pleasant conversation. People are in need of a refresher course.

Obviously, as a member of the Global Media Conspiracy, the task falls on my commie liberal shoulders to tell you what to do. So, I've developed the following handy guide. Feel free to print out this column, carry it with you, and hand it out to the nuts you meet on the bus.

First, let's start with something easy.

How to talk about the weather, in three easy steps:

STEP 1: Look outside. What do you see?

STEP 2: Start your conversation by telling someone what you see. For example, if it is raining, say: "Man, it sure is raining."

If it is hot, say: "Man, it sure is hot."

By stating the obvious, you have begun a conversation that people of all religious, political, and socio-economic backgrounds can agree upon when they are waiting to buy baked goods. If the person denies your assessment of the weather, or tries to blame government satellites, he or she is crazy.

Most likely the person will say something like: "Man, you sure are right. It is raining."

STEP 3: Now talk about what could happen: "If it keeps raining like this, it could flood. I remember when it flooded back in 1997. I got my car stuck in a creek and it ruined the starter."

You can go on like this for hours and hours, all the while sharing a bond with your common man that doesn't make him want to slowly back away.

You may find, however, that you want to express an opinion about something. One of the best ways to express an opinion -- while still having a friendly chat -- is to express an opinion about sports.

It's a bit more complicated, but once you get good at it you can even have a sports conversation without having actually watched a game.

How to have a sports conversation, in five easy steps:

STEP 1: Learn the name of your local pro football team's starting quarterback. Granted, we are still a few months away from football season, but you can always talk about football. If you're feeling gutsy, you can try learning the name of one of your local baseball team's starting pitchers.

STEP 2: Start your conversation by saying with authority: "Man, that (QB's name here) is such an idiot."

NOTE: If you don't have a local team, choose Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre. He is well-known enough that he can be discussed anywhere in the country. And he's an idiot.

You may be worried that you are going too far out on a limb by declaring your quarterback to be an idiot, but trust me, he is. It's simply the law of averages that he will make a few bad decisions in every game. If he were some guy playing a game at a school yard, you might cut him some slack. But pro quarterbacks are multimillionaires. These guys make more money than Guam, so you are allowed to call them idiots. It is your right and privilege.

STEP 3: After declaring that your local team's quarterback is an idiot, your fellow conversationalist will either agree or disagree. It doesn't matter.

STEP 4: Don't panic if the person disagrees with you.

"Are you kidding?" the person might say. "(QB's name here) was brilliant last season."

Try saying this: "OK, I'll admit that (QB's name here) did a lot of things right, but I have two words for you, my friend: fourth quarter" (If you are talking about a starting pitcher, your two words should be "sixth inning").

Quarterbacks always screw up in the fourth quarter. Most likely, your fellow conversationalist will agree and give you evidence to support your claim ("Yeah. He seems to really feel the pressure there").

However, it is possible that he or she will continue to disagree with you.

STEP 5: If all else fails, point out how gratuitously overpaid are pro athletes. Be careful, though. It's possible that the person you are talking to will try to follow your mention of player salaries with something like:

"You want to talk about overpaid? How about these jackbooted corporate oil fascists who control the Republican party!"

"But those players don't get to see as much of their money as they should, thanks to these morally corrupt liberal tax fiends who want to turn our country over to the U.N.!"

If the above happens, start talking about the weather immediately.

It's important that we speak our minds and let our opinions be heard -- it's part of what makes us a great country. But part of what keeps us together as a country is the ability to look beyond divisions and simply note that, yes, it does look like it will be a good summer.

Hopefully it won't be too hot.

Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday.