Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married for seven years and with my husband for nine.
Our problem is my best friend. He is a man that I knew in high school and dated off and on, though we never had sex. "Joe" and I have been able to keep in contact for more than 18 years. I continue to talk to him, which has led to arguments between my husband and I over the years.
The last time led to a separation of a week, and only after I told him that I had an argument with Joe and wasn't talking to him did my husband decide he wanted to work things out.
Everyone I talk to tells me my husband is not going to change, and as soon as he hears that Joe and I are talking again, he will throwing me out of the house and ask for a divorce.
I love my husband but feel that I shouldn't have to give up my friends just because they are men. What's your take on this?

BETTY SAYS:

Everyone is right. Your husband won't change. And yes, you shouldn't have to give up your friends because of his bullheaded ways.

Two things to consider: Is your friendship with Joe the only real problem in your marriage? If not, what other factors are driving you two apart?

Be honest about where you are in life and where both of these men fit in. Is talking about “the good old days” with Joe is making you have an unrealistic view of the world? Has seven years of marriage worn thin? Write down your feelings and analyze what they mean.

Finally, the best way to deal with such matters is by summit. Why not invite Joe over for dinner and you three can hash it out (and then hug it out)?

EDDIE SAYS:

If your husband has carried this jealous grudge for nine years, I doubt a simple dinner will patch that all up. Whatever set him off about Joe -- whether he thinks something specific happen or whether he just has old-fashioned ideas about men and women being friends -- it will not die easily.

In fact, the best you can probably hope for is what you had before: Him grudgingly accepting it and you coping with his poutiness.

It sounds like things have escalated beyond that point, and if you really think he would end the marriage over this issue, then I suspect you have left something pretty serious out of the tale.

So think about if it is realistic to come to an understanding about this. I don't think you can make yourself or your husband happy, but you should be able to continue on together if that's what you want. But it means laying it out and saying, "I doubt Joe is worth enough to you to end our marriage, but he is important to me. So I'm going to keep talking with him. You don't have to like it, but we'll both have to deal with it."

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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